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Happiness is…

• Nespresso with steamed milk in my favorite Bodum glass #

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Achieving formlessness – 1 week on

I’m doing OK so far. I remind myself everyday of my mission – to train myself not to take anything personally. I keep myself busy to refrain from thinking too much.

Today I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while.

Have you ever had the experience of not being able to make up your mind about whether to pursue your dreams?

I have been experiencing this intensely recently. Within a short period of time, I can shuttle from one extreme view about pursuing my dreams to another extreme. I can go to bed one day having made up my mind about quitting as soon as I can, and then wake up the next morning thinking that was the stupidest idea in the world and then starting to plan how I should establish security in my current job and work towards a promotion and payrise.

It’s quite irritating. I just can’t make up my mind, and I don’t know why. So this morning I decided to sit down, think through my own behaviour, and try to find a reason for why I am behaving in this manner.

I think I am behaving like this because, I really WANT BADLY to pursue my dreams of starting up and running my own business, but at the same time, 1) I have too much attachment to what I currently have or stand to get and risk giving up if I leave my job, and 2) I fear the unknown/unchartered waters I will need to navigate if I am to start up on my own.

So I went on to list specific fears I have and to address them one by one:

1. Being too attached to what I currently have or stand to gain if I stay in my job:

• Inadvertently even if I try to tell myself that I am young, I got little to lose, etc, the appeal of the safety and comfort of chartered waters is better than that of risk taking in unchartered waters.
• Actually not so. Because even in an existing job, one doesn’t know what may come up – a new boss may come, organisation changes, etc. It’s pretty much unchartered waters as well, only difference is there is more financial security
• In terms of money, if I do freelance work, I can easily earn the same amount as what I am getting now by just getting 2 or 3 clients. I earn everything the business makes.
• I may stand to gain more experience and chance for promotion if I stay on for a while more.
• And then what next? The same excuse can be used over and over to keep ourselves down and in this constant vicious cycle of not realising one’s own dreams because there is always unfinished business here.
• Experience can be gained through starting up as well – doing/failing/succeeding – every step of the way there is something to be learnt – gaining experience is more about attitude towards learning rather than about place.
• Also, who says that this is the best place to gain experience? For all I know I may be learning the wrong practices, etc. If I don’t go elsewhere I am forever in this place where I am constantly made to believe we are the best around when we are not, simply because I haven’t had the chance to see better.
• With regards to promotion, it does not matter anymore when running my own business. Unless I am going to get another job. And in this case since there is already some news there is no harm sticking around for a while more while getting things prepared on the side for starting a business.

2. Fear of the unknown

• I fear if I were to start up at this time without having gained more years of experience, I would not succeed
• This is a valid concern, but it really depends on individuals.
• Countless people have started up their businesses without prior working experience and they are doing very well. Why can’t I do it?
• I started my own online business many years ago and did rather well. That was before I had any form of formal full-time employment. Why can’t I do it again?
• If there are any areas or things in which I am not familiar or experienced in, I can ask around for help. We tend to underestimate how willing other people would extend a helping hand – our brains are wired by default to believe that people will not help. Reality is that, if you ask properly and sincerely, people are more often than not happy to help, but the only thing is that you got to ask. If you don’t ask, nobody would know you need help.
• It’s impossible for one person to be good in everything. Even if I have more years of working experience, I’d probably be well versed in more things but still not everything. This is where getting the right people in the team is important.
• Either get a partner who complements me and makes up for my weaknesses and vice-versa, or hire A team players in the area where I lack expertise.
• To do this I need to know my strengths and weaknesses, and I already know my strengths from doing the StrengthsFinder 2.0 test, and my weaknesses from my own knowledge and what others see in me. So I’m well equipped in this area.
• Few people succeed on the first try. If the first try doesn’t work, change the approach and try again until it works – its all about trial and error and tweaking until we get it right, same as software development. Best of all, the number of times you fail, means the number of times you learn something, and all the learnings added up equates to rich experience required to build a sustainable, long-term business!
• Also, there is no need quit a job to start a business. Start experimenting on the side with freelance work first. There are already some potential jobs waiting to be done, do them first.

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Day 4 of Achieving Formlessness – Perception is Reality

Today adjusted salaries and bonuses were revealed.

I realised that many people in the department seem unhappy with what they are getting.

Myself, going by benchmarks I should be getting paid 50% more than what I am getting now. And based on performance appraisal I ought to be getting a promotion. But I got a paltry 4% increment and less than a month bonus. What crap.

The people in power always say things like “Perception is Reality”. I now know what it means. It means that their subjective perception of individual employees result in reality of $$$. Regardless of how my boss appraised me, the $ I get is based on what the people in power want to give, and not what I deserve to get based on my job performance, scope and KPIs I hit.

I resisted a strong urge to tell those “people in power” exactly what I feel about them directly, but I nevertheless succumbed to bitching about it to my boss (who is also of the opinion that this place is quite a shithole), and a co-worker.

I am now contemplating whether to hold a crucial conversation to ask for more, or to just get out of this shithole as soon as I can. The way I see the increment and bonus, it’s almost an insult to the good work I’ve done over the past year.