These days I haven’t been up to anything much. Ever since I returned from China a good one month or so ago, I’ve been just living each day waking up late, eating, taking naps, going out window shopping and surfing the net. Now I’m just waiting for school to start again.

Somehow, I don’t feel quite like my old self. Although I’m quite bored, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Not even looking around for any opportunities to earn some spare cash (like I had been doing most of the time over the past year to sustain my living expenses). I’m not looking forward to school starting again either.  In fact, I’m kind of dreading the prospect of going for lessons and rushing for projects again.

I spend most of my time escaping from all the harsh realities of life - school, (lack of) money, planning for my future… everything’s put on hold now. I don’t even bother to check on my bank account to make sure that I’ve not been overspending (actually I suspect it’s more like I don’t dare to look at my bank statement).  I’ve been daydreaming too much, and I think my mom and gf are both sick and tired of hearing me talk about where I want to travel to next.

Don’t know why. Just don’t feel like being serious about anything nowadays. I feel quite useless… not being in control of anything. In those days when I was boss, at least I felt like a useful person, that I had useful things to do and was in good control of situations around me. Now, I feel so darn useless and am only waiting for things to happen to me.

What happened to the old me? Have I lost my sense of entrepreneurship? Am I losing confidence in my abilities? Or is it just a fear of failure preventing me from embarking on new ventures and experiences? Am I just hanging onto false hopes that I will be able to make it big once again in future just because I had experienced some success before? Have I been deceiving myself and overrating my own capabilities?

So many questions, but I have no answers. I don’t want to find out anyway. Just let me dream on for now. I just hope I can pick myself up again one day.