I realise that very often I try to hide. Hide things about myself, my past, my feelings, etc.

Why, I do not know. While many people feel better after voicing out their feelings, emotions or thinking, I am the opposite. I hate the idea that somewhere out there, somebody knows something about me that I prefer they don’t - for some reason unknown even to myself.

Maybe I’m afraid they’ll use some knowledge they have of me to hurt me. Maybe I’m just trying to run away from the past.

I block those people who I want to forget (and who I want them to forget about me too) from all the points of contact I have. The only thing I haven’t done yet is to move house. But that will be coming too.

I don’t even know why I don’t want to be contactable or remembered by them or vice versa - old classmates/schoolmates, ex army mates, ex colleagues, partners, etc.

I think I’m quite happy with my life nowadays and I wonder why I can’t just forget about the past and have people in the past forget about me too. It’s a pain when paranoia takes over and start to make me feel afraid and jittery, for example when thinking about the prospect of someone presently in my life or with updated information about me meets somebody I prefer to forget (and forget about me) and updates them about what I’ve been up to lately. I’m just not comfortable with that. It sucks, and I cannot explain why.

I just want to start a new life. I guess to do that I might have to move away from this country and change my name too eventually.

Earlier I sent an email to Jetstar telling them about the flaw in their flash game. I checked back this morning at their website and it seems they removed a few top scorers’ names… those under 2 minutes, it seems.

While it may not be the best solution (i.e. exploiters can simply change some parameters or time their game to finish in approximately a fair amount of time), I suppose there’s not much that can be done besides removing the game completely.

I also took another look at the flash file and realised that if it’s loaded directly into a web browser, by right clicking and selecting ‘Play’ from the flash menu, one would complete the game immediately. That could be how those chaps with 0 seconds scores done it. It could also be that the 0 scorers went directly to the registration URL that pops up for players to register their particulars after winning the game, and they did not check whether there was indeed a legitimate game played.

However, it seems that this particular bug has been resolved, because I received a message ‘Hacking attempt’! when I tried to submit my null score or go to the URL directly (is it considered a hacking attempt anyway?).

Hmmm. I think Jetstar should award a prize to me for alerting them so they won’t be handing out 10 prizes to 10 zero scorers =)

Hmmmmmm. I think I’d better work harder at playing the game instead.

Jetstar Asia is celebrating its anniversary by putting up a flash game for people to try their hands at. It’s a tile matching game where one is required to match 2 of the same tiles consecutively out of a total of 60 tiles.

Being short of cash for holidays, I thought it was worth a try and who knows, I might win a pair of air tickets if I’m really good. So I tried my hands at it together with my gf, and no matter how hard we tried we couldn’t do any better than 3 minutes.

That’s pretty strange, given that the top player managed just 90 over seconds. That was near impossible, I think… unless he got super lucky. Impossible to have anything less than 2 minutes, because each time after you click on 2 tiles, there would be a delay of about 1 second before you can click the next tile. At this rate, you must be damn lucky or have got photographic memory to win the game within a few dozen clicks if you clock under 100 seconds.

Then, I refreshed the page and saw the top 2 scorers had ZERO seconds as their score. Hah! There must be something wrong.

I then went to search the net for any potential exploits to flash games… and I found a nifty little software tool that allows decompiling and recompiling of flash files. With that, one can go into the source code, change some parameters and easily win the game! I tried it out a little, but couldn’t figure out what to change since the code was thousands of lines long… and I had absolutely no idea which parameter was for what.

That’s quite dumb yea. Now everyone who understands flash code can cheat and get zero seconds. Jetstar would have a hard time distinguishing who are the legitimate players. I hope they pull the game out and have a lucky draw or something more foolproof instead.

I used to run a relatively successful business before I got into university. I was still in the army when I first got a good business idea , and because I was still a conscript, I needed someone to do it with me.

So I spoke to this guy in my camp who seemed quite business-savvy, and was about to finish his NS. We hit it off pretty well, and indeed over the period of our partnership we did work quite well together and achieved pretty satisfying monthly revenues and profits for a part-time business, more than what many graduates would earn in a month working full-time. I was in charge of conceptualising everything, the technology part, sourcing for suppliers, inventory, marketing and lots more, while he mainly took care of logistical arrangements such as delivery (I also handled some deliveries).

However, I made a huge mistake that I eventually paid dearly for - in terms of finance, pride and confidence.

The mistake I made was to treat my ex-partner as a friend, a good friend in fact (people who knew me back then might even say that I treated him like a best friend). I scorned the age-old wisdom of “friends can never be business partners” and vice-versa. I actually retorted everyone who said that kind of thing to me by telling them something like “Who says business partners cannot be friends? I am proving you wrong here”.

I was the one who was wrong.

I trusted that person too much, and at a time when I was really down because of my late father’s illness, problems began to surface. To this day I have no idea whether it was just coincidental, or was it a carefully planned campaign. Anyway, the business ran into some potential legal issues, and although a lawyer we consulted told us we could carry on business as usual without worrying too much, at that time everything was weighing down too heavily on me - my father was seriously ill, I was about to finish NS and didn’t want to get into the limelight because of legal problems. So I told him that we should stop the business for a while pending the case outcome. He agreed, and so we stopped for a while.

However, several weeks later, he called me up and told me he didn’t cared anymore, and just wanted to carry on the business while the case was still pending. I was really unwilling to do so (I think he knew too), and I had hinted previously that I was very tired of everything already… so he gave me pressure there and then I decided I had enough.

I told him that I didn’t want to get myself involved in any legal problems because of the circumstances I was in… I didn’t want my family to have to worry for me when we are all already worn out because of my father’s deteriorating condition, what with my ORD coming up soon too.

So under tremendous pressure, I made a dumb offer to sell my stake in the business to him for nothing. Yes, for nothing. I admit at that time I was so stressed out that I never really considered the (lack of) wisdom in that decision. I only wanted my share of the money in the business bank accounts back… and he also offered me an extra $2k upfront and a small amount of ‘goodwill’ with the condition that I will get it only if the business goes back on track. I told that him over the phone… and strangely, very soon he called me up and asked to meet up. On hindsight I think it was really too good a deal to miss, that’s why the fast reaction (perhaps before I could change my mind).

At the point when we parted ways, I even told him he could still contact me and we can come out and chat and talk about how to improve business, with me offering advice as a friend, and maybe in future we still can work on other projects… He was like “Ya, sure”… but of course that never happened. Anyway, it was unfortunate that I had to give up the business just as it was beginning to earn good profits, that was kind of the worst part of it - I never really gained much out of it before giving it all up for nothing.

So that was it. The business I came up with - my concept, my ideas, my time and efforts - all gone.

A few months later, I sensed that the business was already back on track… advertisements were all running as usual, and I noticed the store was adding new products. I was waiting for the promised ‘goodwill’ money to come. I waited a few weeks for him to contact me, but he didn’t. So I called him and asked him about it. He actually told me that the business was just picking up and was only a fraction of before… which was obviously untrue of course. He told me he would get back to me a few weeks later.

So I waited again, and he did contact me finally to fulfill his promise - however, we had a dispute over a sum of $2k, which I understood would be given to me but he said it was actually the amount given to me upfront. I was really shocked that he was being deliberately calculative with me, or playing some games with me maybe. $2k was peanuts to him, and certainly peanuts when compared to the profits that he was making even if the business was only doing half as well as before. What to do, I just took whatever he gave me and we never spoke again.

Oh yeah, at that point in time he even told me something like he got some new business ideas and that he would rope me in for it, blah blah. But by then I already knew he was just making empty talk. I wouldn’t want to be involved with him again anyway. He even sarcastically asked me about how the shares that I was holding onto were performing - when he knew pretty well that I lost quite a bit on that counter - he couldn’t have known less, because he’s a regular stock market investor.

That very bad experience really made me lose confidence in myself. For more than a year after that I was still frequently dwelling on the issue, on why I was so stupid, etc… I tried very hard to convince myself that if I were to go back and make a decision again, I would still choose the same road - but I was still sore over what I perceive as a betrayal by a good friend. I even tried to boost my confidence by starting a company to provide e-business consultancy services … but that never took off. The reason I like to believe is that I wanted to concentrate on my studies. The real reason was probably because I was afraid. Afraid of what, I can’t explain even to myself.

Eventually, as people like to say, time heals all wounds. I don’t really much about issues in the past anymore, except once in a while when I reflect back.

However, I am no longer the same person today. I am more risk-averse, and a lot less confident even though I know I still have lots of good ideas that can work out. I am also less trusting of others. Some people might argue that I can’t condemn the whole human race just because of one bad person, but I am sorry to say that I believe that at least here in Singapore, most people are just out to earn as much as possible for themselves without caring much for friendship or kinship. That’s the stand I hold now, until a significant population can prove otherwise.

Of course I learnt many good things out of the negative experience. That’s a little consolation I guess. I learnt that although money can provide happiness to a certain extent, that is only temporary. I was earning buckets at that time, but I was never really happy. I had problems at home, problems with relationships and in NS.

If I tell you that today, as a relatively poorer student (compared to many around me, who despite never really worked much for money before can still afford the latest phones and gadgets) living on an annual $3.5k of scholarship allowance (and when that money runs out, living off my girlfriend), I am happier, less petty and more willing to spend than when I was earning $7k a month, would you believe me?

Anyway, I don’t really spend much. I spend mostly on meals and groceries to keep myself happy (giving support to the saying that the key to a man’s heart is in his stomach). Yes, I am not exactly too thrifty now (though I am currently trying to save as much as I can for my exchange in Canada), but at least I am much happier than before. I have a somewhat happy and functional family, a nice girlfriend who takes care of me very well, and I am quite lucky to have landed a couple of awards to tide me through my education.

Money isn’t everything, even though I must say that it’s still important. Today, what is more important to me is how to keep myself and my loved ones happy and satisfied, try to change myself for the better, and work towards a better future.

That’s why I’m trying to focus less on studies nowadays (compared to previous semesters) and instead try to give myself more opportunities to relax, slack off and enjoy other things in life. I’ve been learning to cook, and I must say (although it sounds a little guniang) that I quite enjoy it, cos I can cook stuff the way I like them to be (although most of the times they don’t end up the way I wanted them to be!), and meals can never get more satisfying than that. I’m also spending lots of time planning for my exchange in Canada… I’m really excited about it - never gone anywhere further than a 4.5 hour flight previously, you see.

I’m actually quite proud of myself sometimes, despite being not confident most of the time. I’m proud that I stopped taking pocket money for several years already, when many of my counterparts are still getting hundreds or even thousands of dollars a month and still asking their parents to buy stuff for them. Although sometimes I still feel stingy and in need of some parental love (in terms of $$, hehe) from my mom… actually I only accept her occasional offers to pay some stuff for me, like medical bills and a recent trip to Cambodia. But on the whole I’m proud of being more or less independent financially.

I’m also proud that I’ve come so far, in that I managed to get everything I have today through my own hard work and due diligence, and that I managed to survive so many obstacles without throwing myself off a building (even though I did feel suicidal many times in the past). I never had an easy childhood. I was a constant victim of bullying through primary and secondary schools and had a long bout of childhood illness, right into my teens. Never did well in school until my O Levels when I began to wake up. Then came the problems with the ex-business and my father’s illness and passing. Thinking back now, I’m glad for those experiences although they were mostly unhappy episodes… because they made me a better person. I’m proud that I’m still alive and well after all these turbulent years.

Sometimes I do feel down and out and just thinking, “why me?” when things don’t go my way. However, I try to remind myself often that I’m already quite well off and lucky compared to many other people who never had the opportunities that I’ve had.

Learning to count one’s blessings is important… the irony is, if you are looking at my blog now chances you are much, much well off than people in Cambodia or Africa, but you might have been unhappy about certain things and cursing life for being tough on you… if you don’t actively count your blessings, you become complacent and then start demanding too much out of life when you’re already relatively lucky compared to millions or even billions of others. Try doing it now and you’ll realise how well-off you are, even if you are financially broke, just broke up with a significant other or other worse stuff.

I don’t really respect people who are successful in business only because their fathers pumped in lots of capital for them to start up, or those schoolmates who show off their assets like cars, etc, when everything they had was a result of their parents’ pampering.

But of course, I have my faults… lots of them in fact, and I hope to improve myself tremendously in these areas. I tend to be too panicky and anxious often, and it’s causing problems for myself and people around me. I also tend to have short attention spans, and can’t stay at something for very long. I’m also a little too petty/unforgiving/irritable… too many faults to mention, so I shall stop here.