This semester I expected to score significantly worse than previous ones, because I feel that I didn’t put in as much effort as before especially for the exams.

However, I was quite surprised when I saw the results of 3 As and 1 B+. Completely took me by surprise, especially when I was expecting a majority of B+s.

Actually knowing the good results didn’t make me feel any happier. It’s become kind of a standard expectation I have for myself, so when I get the results I just go, “Oh well, guess I’m OK”. I suppose its not a good thing at all, because this means once I get good grades, I have to consistently perform on the same level to satisfy my own and other people’s expectations of me. It puts a whole load of pressure on myself to perform well… and sometimes when the going gets tough (especially when doing projects with freeloaders) it gets so stressful that I often become grouchy and snap at people around me.

I’m glad that while I’m on exchange the next semester, the grades will all be on pass/fail basis. I hope this will allow me to take a good break away from the pressure of obtaining As. However I am at the same time worried that because I’m already used to working hard, I’ll still have the same high levels of expectation for myself and make my own life difficult when its not necessary to work too hard. But I’ll try to keep this in mind and remind myself to take it easy.

I’ve password-protected my previous post because I do not want my words to be taken out of context by those who don’t understand completely the points I am making, and try to judge me based on their own interpretation of my words.

That said, I want to explicitly state that I do appreciate foreign workers for what they are doing for us in Singapore, and I’ve never blamed them for anything. I believe in their home countries, their behavior (littering, spitting, leaving debris, etc) is considered normal and not exactly illegal. But not in Singapore. The whole point of my post was to highlight the cultural differences (of what may seem normal to one culture may be deemed offensive to other cultures) and to suggest a solution, that the government try to teach them somethings about living in Singapore so they can better blend into society… and then make Singapore a better place for everyone. Perhaps I wasn’t very good in expressing myself properly and thus caused some readers to misunderstand, for that I apologise.

In any case, at the end of the day this blog is here to record my observations, thoughts and views and I am not interested in pointless debates on who is right or wrong.

As mentioned in my earlier post, my wish is to provide my future family with a good, happy life and future. I firmly believe that Singapore would not be able to provide a conducive environment for that to happen, because of the highly-competitive and highly-stressful lives we are compelled to live here.

We have the fastest walking speed in the world, one of the most open and competitive economies globally, our people are most well-known for being ‘kiasu’ and ‘kiasi’, we have a serious lack of free speech and a nanny government telling us (and other countries) what we should or should not do. We’ve got a fantastic wireless network that provides us with radiation permeating our brains across the whole island. ‘Fresh air’ from the ever increasing numbers of vehicles on the roads. Every minute as a Singaporean, we are sinning by contributing to global warming with our notoriously huge carbon footprints. And, I seriously believe one day our little sunny island state will sink into the ocean because we are getting grossly overcrowded with a target of 6+million population in a tiny 700+ square kms.

It is totally not my idea of a place to bring my children up in, to expose them to the cruelties of being a Singaporean - having to compete with other kids from a young age, having to live in a country over-crowded with immigrants who are treated just as well (if not better) than natives, having to serve compulsory national service for two years of his (if I have a son) precious youth…

Of course, critics will say that I can choose what kind of upbringing I want for my kids. However, I believe the environment plays the most important part, because once children grow up and begin to have their own thinking, they will likely be influenced by the environment and people around them. The only solutions is to change the environment, or move away from it. Since the former is not possible… immigration is the only way out.

It’s not as though Singapore has no redeeming qualities… we do have a stable economy, stable government and is a relatively safe place to live in. Very accessible and convenient, high standards of healthcare, education, good and cheap food… the list can go on. However, I’m sad to say that’s not good enough for me. It’s not that I have higher expectations, its just a mismatch of my values against the pragmatic Singaporean’s values.

I know it sounds ironic - people who know me think I’m a very pragmatic person. I would choose to do a systems development project according to components on the grading requirements sheet rather to do it according to my ideas of an ideal system. But that’s just because I begin with the end in mind - I know that here in NUS (or in the real working world even), nobody’s going to grade you for being adventurous and creative in developing a system - they grade according to how many percent of the components on the requirements specification you’ve done. I would choose to meet and exceed requirements rather than be led by my personal beliefs. Some people also like to think that I’m driven by money. Another example of pragmatism.

I’m pragmatic because I have to be, not because I aspire to be that way. I have to meet and exceed expectations to maintain my grades. I have to aim for a high income or some extent of wealth so that I can hopefully start a new, better life with my family while I’m still young enough. Although grades do not directly correlate to income, it does have an impact on it and employment prospects.

Deep down I’m a dreamer. I dream for a perfect life in the countryside just as movies, childhood stories and novels would potray it. I dream about the day when I can truly say that I’ve found happiness and contentment.

It’s a long-term goal for myself - to get out of this place. I’m not a quitter (as our ministers love to label) - it’s just that I don’t fit into the Singapore style and I don’t want to force myself to become another zombie - waking up each day, going to work, coming home dead beat and having nothing much to look forward to and at the same time contending with the fears of one day losing my job to a cheaper, more talented foreigner who the government embraces.

From a young age I knew I couldn’t fit in. My teacher in secondary school who taught me for a full four years and was able to recognise the type of person that I am before I was able to realise it myself… wrote in my testimonial - “… he likes to work at his own pace… “. Unfortunately this is also one thing that I know is misaligned with Singapore’s culture. I don’t mean that in another country I will be able to slack around on the job or work at a leisurely pace. What I mean is that Singapore is too fast paced for my liking. Too many changes, too quickly, too many deadlines to catch, too many expectations to meet. Sorry, I am but a normal human being - I need some time and space for myself and my family beyond the workplace and protecting the country (economically and military).

I hate it when I have to follow the stereotypical Singaporean’s ‘route to success’ - getting a degree, getting a job, getting married, buy a HDB flat, have kids, spend 30 years of my life paying for the flat that my estate will return to the government in another 70 years, work to my 70s and die. And then have my children following more or less the same cycle. It’s seriously screwed up.

So there. I’m planning to leave. One day. It will take time, but at least I know what I want and I now have the motivation to work towards it. I want to be a winemaker somewhere, or run a B&B or restaurant in a nice and scenic place where my kids can grow up with a truly happy childhood. Where I can enjoy beautiful sunrises, sunsets, nice walks in the gardens, plenty of quality time with my wife, and plenty of fresh air for everyone in the family. I might not be able to provide them with the best things in life or even the best education, but I know I can teach them to live their grown-up lives happily as I aspire to. If they wish to move to a more competitive place, I won’t stop them if that’s their nature.

So there. Screw it, Singapore. I’m leaving you one day. I’ll miss the food, but not you. We have Prima Taste Laksa, Mee Siam and other local food premixes exported all over the world now anyway, I’ll still get my fix of sambal chilli in some better place.

This week is pay the doctors week. Blown nearly $200 on doctor visits when I’m trying to save $ for my exchange in Canada. Could have been more if I hadn’t gone to the university health centre to get my asthma medication and saved on consultation charges. Spent another $75 getting an injection in my cheek for a keloid due to an acne scar that didn’t heal properly… and another $40 on the GP and antibiotics for an apparent ear infection making my left ear go ‘pop’ whenever I burp.

Darn, at this rate, I’m practically living to pay doctors. I should have aspired to become a doctor years ago when I was deciding what direction to take in life.

Anyway, I spoke to a long time friend yesterday who was kinda down because he felt nobody valued him and no matter how hard he tried, nobody ever takes him seriously (alright, I admit, including myself). I told him that it’s very easy to bring down one’s reputation and trustworthiness but takes much, much more effort to build back lost trust. In the past, he was the kind of person who didn’t take his studies seriously, dropped out of polytechnic halfway and was always the joker in every social group.

Unfortunately the label stuck with him throughout the years, even though he has made some efforts to change for the better. The problem with him was that he wasn’t really consistent in improving himself. He all along believed that it was because he was a lazy person. I told him nobody is born lazy and laziness is just the tip of the iceberg. There must be an underlying issue that results in his laziness and lack of drive. I thought about it and tried to analyse with him about what the root problem was. It turned out (I am quite sure) that the problem was because he had no real motivation in life.

He is currently single, but once had a girlfriend. At that time, everyone around him could see that he really tried very hard to become a new person and that he mostly succeeded. He lost weight, became more image conscious, health conscious and behaved more gentlemanly, unlike the crude and loud guy he used to be. However, after he broke up with the girl, he turned back to his old ways.

I introduced him to Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and he read it. He was able to understand the habits but however unable to apply them faithfully and consistently. That’s why although he believed he had tried to improve himself, others don’t think so. He then proceeded on to read Covey’s new book The 8th Habit. I advised him against it because I thought it wasn’t wise to read a more advanced topic when he haven’t even mastered the basics. It was like taking a short cut, like trying to learn how to fire a gun when one doesn’t even know how to operate it safely. Something originally meant to ensure safety becomes a dangerous tool in an inexperienced person’s hands.

So anyway, I told him based on what I knew about him, the problem was that he had no good motivation or purpose in life. All his time beyond work is spent on recreation - video games, social gatherings, etc. He doesn’t think far ahead enough, and his attempts in self-improvement were always ad-hoc and inconsistent, probably because he had no real, pertinent and long term goals to work towards. His goals were always short-term and material ones, like wanting to save up for a new phone or PS3, XBOX, etc.

The problem with having short-term, materialistic motivations is that such motivations are never pertinent enough and essentially don’t hold much meaning. I have experienced it before, in those days when I was only motivated by money and things that could be bought with money. The funny bit was, whenever I achieved a goal of say a certain amount of revenue, I would immediately set a higher revenue target. I was never truly satisified with what I got, because it is just so easy for the motivation to shift (to higher monetary levels). It was meaningless because while I believed that I could achieve happiness when I got a certain level of income and could afford to buy whatever I wanted, I slowly realised that I was as unhappy as when I was broke. It was so ironic.

I believe a real motivation is something on a higher, preferably spiritual level. It should be something that is long-term and pertinent, and as such is stronger. It should be something that cannot be measured in monetary terms, and cannot be quantified easily (otherwise it would be like what happened to me when I tried to race with myself to earn more money than ever). I believe money and material possessions will eventually come when one has found his true direction in life and works towards it with genuine passion and without focusing too much about material gains. Material gains are just by-products of successful living that will come naturally to those who deserve it by climbing up the correct ladders in life.

And regarding rebuilding trust in other people, I think it’s easy to lose someone’s trust but takes a lot more effort to rebuild it. It requires people to perceive a clear and consistent effort being made, and having a strong motivation in life would help in ensuring consistent effort.

For myself unfortunately, while I can preach well, I am still unable to find my own direction in life, like what I really want to do in terms of career. However I do at least have some long-term and less quantifiable motivations, such as wanting to migrate to somewhere better than Singapore one day and also to provide my loved ones with a good and happy life. This is enough reason and motivation to drive myself to study hard, work hard and reach for greater heights in the hope that one day I will be able to earn a reasonable income in a career that I like so that I can achieve my goals.

I believe that once a true motivation is made, everything else will fall into place. By keeping in mind one’s true motivation, one will work hard towards it. Although there are sometimes when one feels like giving up, if the motivation is strong, the strength to fight on will be there.

At this point I guess I am actually writing this more for myself than for my friend. I’m at a crossroad where I’m wavering and having second thoughts about my capabilities and feeling quite lost about what I should do. I know what I really want, but I guess I’ve put myself in all the wrong places. I am studying something that I will not want to make a career out of. I am studying for the sake of studying and keeping my grades high enough hopefully to graduate with awards. I don’t even know why I am doing all these, except that if I manage to pull these off I will be in a good position then to decide on further options. I hope I am doing the right thing. But with another 1.5 years minimum to go, it’ll be a real torturous time.

I used to visit Bangkok frequently in the past, at one time visiting 6 times in a year. Back then, I found lots of products that could be bought cheaply and sold online for rather fat profit margins. However, eventually as more Thai locals got down to online selling, the profits dipped as they could afford to price lower since they can ship directly from Thailand.

I haven’t been there for a year already, and I was craving for some authentic Thai food (all the Thai restaurants I’ve tried in Singapore are far from authentic although that’s what all of them claim to be) … and it’s been quite a while since I went on a trip with my significant other, so we had a weekend trip there, and just got back earlier today.

I realised that these days, the costs in Bangkok are much higher than they used to be - seems like Singapore is not the only country faced with rising living costs and inflation. Going to Bangkok doesn’t seem that cheap anymore (especially with rising airfares and hotel tariffs)… hotels that I used to stay in for $40 - $50+ a night now costs at least $65 - $90+ a night. Or maybe its just that I’m no longer earning any income, that’s why I feel poorer =|

However, taxi tariffs there have remained unchanged for many years, even though fuel costs have risen significantly in the past decade. In fact, taxis are a cheaper form of transportation than BTS Skytrains and the MRT, as long as there are at least 2 passengers it makes better sense to take a taxi. That’s really strange, compared to Singapore (and probably many other cities) where we pay many times more for taxi compared to buses or the MRT, and we are currently faced with an impending taxi fare hike too. Also, there are so many taxi drivers in Bangkok that one can see many empty taxis cruising the streets at any time of the day.

Contrary to popular belief, taxi drivers in Bangkok are not as bad as people made them out to be… I mean when it comes to turning on the meter and taking the correct routes. No comments on their driving skills - We had a driver who was constantly trying to keep awake while driving us to the Suvarnahumbi airport this morning at 5am. On my numerous trips to Thailand, I had only encountered one or two taxi drivers that tried to cheat me. Taxi touts asking for fixed fares are of course very common, however, because of the sheer quantity of taxis plying the roads, if you insist on paying by meter, they will oblige… or you can just take the next taxi that comes along. Taxi drivers are probably one of the toughest earning jobs in Bangkok - with fuel costs at about 30 THB / litre and a 30km trip to the airport bringing in a fare of 200 THB (after tips) and costing about 3 litres of fuel, the poor chap who took us this morning earned only about 100 THB for a trip that took about 30 minutes (with no traffic jams, probably need 45mins to an hour in midday traffic), before factoring in his rental or cost of ownership.

Because my late father was a taxi driver, I know how hard it is to be one in Singapore. On one hand, there are so many taxis on the road nowadays, rentals are high and fuel costs have been constantly going up. On the other hand, Singaporean passengers are not easy to deal with. One little mistake and they want to complain to the newspapers, taxi company and everyone else. So I’m all for the increase in taxi charges, but I just feel upset about facing another price hike. Sooner or later everything else will cost more. It all started with the 2% GST hike giving a reason for some companies to raise prices. Then others follow and cause collateral damage and it all ends up with consumers paying more for everything.

Over the last 3 years or so, security in Bangkok has tightened up a fair bit. After the bombing incidents in Southern Thailand became more frequent, the authorities started to introduce bag screenings in every major tourist shopping mall in Bangkok. It began with simple, random bag searches at selected mall entrances, but this time, they’ve got metal detectors at every entrance of the malls. Also, security screening has been extended to the subway stations, where every exit is manned by security officers who are supposed to screen everybody going into the stations. At major hotels, every vehicle going into the hotel premises are screened for the possibility of bombs attached to the undercarriage. I am quite impressed at the vigilance, and I feel very safe being in Bangkok.

Apparently here in Singapore our authorities don’t seem to be as vigilant as they try to make themselves out to be… and it’s quite ironic that a ‘world-class’ country like ours pales in comparison with a developing country when it comes to ensuring security.

Although our border security controls are really quite well implemented, not much is being done to mitigate the possibility of bombings in public places with home made explosives which have proven again and again to be just as deadly. This is especially important for such a densely populated city with so much built up areas.

While I understand that it increases costs and reduces efficiency (i.e. time taken to do checks), it certainly makes visitors feel very safe and secure. Singapore is only secure in that there have been few to zero attempted or successful terrorist acts, and the provision of laws to punish any attempt at terrorism or threats to public safety… but these are purely on paper measures and it will take just one single incident to change that. I do not believe that a suicide bomber who is ready to die in his mission would care whether he gets the death penalty or not. It’s always better to be more vigilant and proactive, and I think Thailand has understood this well.

Oh wow I’ve wasted nearly 1 hour here. Time to sleep now.