Tomorrow, I will be leaving Singapore for a month long study trip to China. 3 months ago, I was overjoyed when I learnt that I’d been selected for this program. I could hardly wait for the departure date to come.  However, as the date drew closer, I felt less excited about it, even having second thoughts about going.

So much has happened recently. The day I came back from my vacation, my brother left to work in Cambodia. Not that I miss him, but I am sure my mother does and it is kind of a difficult time for her, especially since she has just quit her job and will be going for her much dreaded medical check-up next week without two of her three children around.

Nowadays, I’ve been bringing my mom out less often, since she had little time for me anyway. So on Sunday I brought her out to a nearby shopping mall, planning to do some grocery shopping and spend some time with her before I leave. Who knew that on this harmless shopping trip she had a tummyache so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital. It was like a nightmare for us. To me, it seemed like a re-enactment of my late father’s stomachache episode that eventually led him to discover his colorectal cancer.

So we spent the entire afternoon in the hospital’s A&E department, everyone feeling rotten and pretty afraid of what might be the diagnosis. It appeared that the junior doctor on duty classified her case as a simple case of gastritis, even though we told her that my mom had a fecal occult blood test a few weeks ago that was positive. She simply said that even so, it was not an emergency and any further checkups would have to be scheduled on another date. So much for Singapore’s efficiency. Bureaucracy kills efficiency and there was no other option than to accept that my mom had to be discharged.

The next morning, just when we thought that everything’s OK, we had another nasty scare. My mom had fresh blood in her stools. So we rushed down once more to the A&E and to be fair, she was given priority to see the doctor this time (I presume since there was blood involved). Some time later the doctor came out and explained that she believed that my mom’s bleeding was due to excess friction from wiping the area… despite also knowing about my mom’s recent medical background. So after a 2 hour “observation”, she was discharged once again.

Thankfully, up to today she seems OK, but we are all worried about what might come next week when she goes for her colonoscopy. Hopefully everything will turn out well and it is just some minor aliment or colon polyps that can be removed easily. We are all afraid of the worst case where she might be diagnosed with what my father had.

It’s a nightmare for me. I’m not enjoying this, and it’s a moral dilemma for me to decide whether to go ahead with my trip or to cancel it. On one hand, I am seriously worried and would like to stay around my mom when she goes for her checkup. On the other hand, if I cancel my trip, she would feel guilty about it, and really, I cannot do much but just to stick around and show moral support (which of course is important too).

So I’ve decided to go ahead with my trip and to come back immediately if she has an immediately life-threatening problem (which we all pray will not be the case). If it is a minor aliment or early stage problem, I will finish my trip in full (although I will not enjoy the rest of my trip, I suppose I won’t be able to help much even if I come back quickly).

I will go to the temple tomorrow to pray for her before I leave. I really wish everything will be OK for her and she won’t end up like my father. I hope we can have her around to play with her grandchildren in the years to come.

Over the last few years, I’ve learnt through the hard way that financial and career accomplishments are nothing compared to having a complete, happy and healthy self and family. In the process, I gave up a well-paying business, lost my father and got hospitalised.

I’ve perhaps become more paranoid as a result – becoming more fearful of taking financial risks and more mindful of my health – to the extent that a few days ago when I had a mosquito bite on my wrist (for some reason mosquitoes don’t usually bite me), I was (and am still) afraid that it might give me dengue. In the past, I thought health and travel insurance were bullshit. Now I never leave Singapore without being insured.

I suppose it’s both good and bad – being more paranoid about health has helped me to quit smoking, drinking and I’ve been trying to adopt a healthier diet and lifestyle. However, this paranoia is so bad sometimes that I get depressed (like the fear of dengue I’ve been fighting with these few days). Also, being fearful of taking financial risks somehow does not help any bit towards my career goal of running my own business again.

Sigh. But at the end of the day, all I want is just for myself and my family to be healthy and happy. Money can come later. What is the meaning of life when you have money and career successes but don’t have the health and a happy family to share your successes with? I’m really tired about all these.

No related posts.