These days I haven’t been up to anything much. Ever since I returned from China a good one month or so ago, I’ve been just living each day waking up late, eating, taking naps, going out window shopping and surfing the net. Now I’m just waiting for school to start again.
Somehow, I don’t feel quite like my old self. Although I’m quite bored, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Not even looking around for any opportunities to earn some spare cash (like I had been doing most of the time over the past year to sustain my living expenses). I’m not looking forward to school starting again either. In fact, I’m kind of dreading the prospect of going for lessons and rushing for projects again.
I spend most of my time escaping from all the harsh realities of life – school, (lack of) money, planning for my future… everything’s put on hold now. I don’t even bother to check on my bank account to make sure that I’ve not been overspending (actually I suspect it’s more like I don’t dare to look at my bank statement). I’ve been daydreaming too much, and I think my mom and gf are both sick and tired of hearing me talk about where I want to travel to next.
Don’t know why. Just don’t feel like being serious about anything nowadays. I feel quite useless… not being in control of anything. In those days when I was boss, at least I felt like a useful person, that I had useful things to do and was in good control of situations around me. Now, I feel so darn useless and am only waiting for things to happen to me.
What happened to the old me? Have I lost my sense of entrepreneurship? Am I losing confidence in my abilities? Or is it just a fear of failure preventing me from embarking on new ventures and experiences? Am I just hanging onto false hopes that I will be able to make it big once again in future just because I had experienced some success before? Have I been deceiving myself and overrating my own capabilities?
So many questions, but I have no answers. I don’t want to find out anyway. Just let me dream on for now. I just hope I can pick myself up again one day.
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Hi Mr Biao,
You are in the process of taking great interest in your life. Many questions being asked which lead to more questions, eventually there is no answer. I have been through that rough “ocean” and can feel the frustration, anger, lost and so on.
Although I have not get out of my “rough ocean”, at least I know the general direction of my life.
This is what a Zen Master told us,
1. “Bad situation is Good Situation; Good situation is Bad Situation”
2. Live at the Moment and for the Moment.
3. Let nature take it course.
4. Let go all your thoughts and one day you will know the answer.
Unemploy
Mr Biao,
Seek the truth
Love your neighbour
(start with your family, gf and people that matter to you and continue from there)
If you do these 2, you will find God.
If you do not seek God, then you have a void, why do you exist, how did you get here and where you will be ultimately going……in evolutionary terms, you will eat, procreate and die and be of little consequence to the overall order of things or you wil be the adopted son of a loving God. Life will have hope or a belief system that will sustain you in your journey thru life. Everybody needs to belief even though there is no certainity in future outcomes – even the aethist and agnostic! None of us can prove our belifs – we can only develop faith in the value system.
I am seeking God but still have doubts but my life has got more meaningful instaed of being an accidental carbon speck on a small lump of clay and inconsequntial in a infinite universe.
I pray that you will find God and the peace that only he can give and ultimately the purpose for your existence. God bless…